Through My Daughter's Eyes

March 1, 2020

How can someone live up to that? But that's the glory of it, He forgives us no matter our shortcomings. I feel like humans struggle with this concept of individuality unlike God because you have Christians who have a relationship with God but have never felt the holy spirit in a personal way making them realize that what they knew or ever felt about life was that but nothing compared to the glory that is our almighty God. Humans are programmed to see things the way they believe, they have a hard time taking other perspectives because we are programmed to function in a fight, flight, or flee response. 

Instead of assuming the bully was bullying her for her differences, she decided the bully was sad because she didn't know God. My daughter has Autism, as well as Ocular Albinism that is costing her a decent amount of her vision and ability to process information. I spent so much time being angry with God that I didn't see the beauty in what He had given me until she showed me the beauty of her abilities first hand. I realized I was loving her all wrong. I was protective of her and over bearing because I felt like that was the only way God could ever forgive me for being such a bad mother to her in the beginning. But He showed me so much grace, forgiveness, and trust by entrusting me the most bubbly, loving, caring, empathetic, beautiful, joy seeker, lover of all things nature,  forgiving child I have ever met in my entire life. I see her differences as a new standard to life. When I find myself in predicaments that may have me questioning what I know and what I'm trying to be open too I think to myself what would my daughter say or do in this situation... and that's how I respond.

The idea of the principle of individuality speaks volumes about our God, it demonstrates a God willing to forgive human error, a God willing to see past human greed, a God willing to forgive judgements passed on his people by more of his people, I see a God who trusts us to make the right decisions in times of crisis and times of uncertainty. I see a God who demonstrates so much trust in people who have let him down time and time again. I see a God that I find almost overwhelming to serve. 

I clearly looked stupid in that moment because my 6 year old proceeded to explain to me that "hitting a sad person isn't going to make me any happier, God knows I'm an amazing ballet dancer I don't need anyone else to think so". First of all she's not even in ballet she just dances to music she creates in her own head, but I don't mean to stray from my point.  In that moment, she showed me the true meaning of being a Christian. She showed the genuine belief that no matter what she does in life it will always be to serve her God, at 6 years old in a household that didn't put an emphasis on religion she brought me to tears explaining her love and belief of God in a parking lot at a daycare center where she chose to live like God and see there are always two sides to accepting individuality.

She showed me the beauty in her abilities when she was struggling with bullies at school. I told her to defend herself. I told her to hit them to shut them up... I was that parent. I was the parent who saw the situation from only my side, I couldn't see the individuality of the situation and what maybe the other child was thinking in that scenario just how hurt it made my daughter. In that moment I saw God, I saw the fact that no matter what he was always going to forgive me and trust that I would come back to him once I was ready. She smiled and looked up to the sky "Mommy I'm not going to hit them. that's not what God would do."

It wasn't that I feared her but I feared my ability to be the best person she could have in her life, her champion, her best friend when it got hard, yeah I know I'm her mother not her best friend but regardless of special needs or not there are days when a little girl doesn't need a mom, she needs a best friend. It's when I discovered I didn't have to be her over bearing mother that will defend her every move that I got to witness the true glory that is our God. 

I struggled with touching her, I struggled with being near her. I was anxious when I wasn't with her though so it made the struggle of bonding a very odd dynamic. Through the years more diagnosis filed in one after another, a new restriction on her which in return meant a new restriction on me. It was so hard to see this as my life. I pushed through trying to be her biggest advocate, I pushed by fighting for her. I am not proud to sit here and type this. I am disgusted that I ever had such a hard time loving the most beautiful, radiant, and forgiving soul in my life. I have always loved my daughter even through the struggle of postpartum depression and into forgiving myself for how I felt towards her.

It was my beautiful daughter who opened my eyes to a God so great. It was her differences and individuality that made me realize punishments are in the eye of the beholder. I had planned a life that included healthy "normal" children. She went against that dream, the postpartum depression I felt from being upset that she was even mine was unbearable. I loved my son so much despite the awful situation I had been in with him, but the love I had for him was almost like God had forgiven me for my transgressions and was giving me a fresh start to a better life. I failed God again and continued down an un Godly path and was given my daughter. She should have been that sign to get my life together, a child I had thought would possibly not make it, a child that shouldn't have been able to be conceived due to medical intervention. She was nothing short of a miracle but she wasn't a miracle to me. 

We tend to get on the defensive instantly and view the differences as beneath us. How God we be equal in God's eyes if clearly one of us has more? God is obviously blessing us at different levels. That was my way of thinking, that was my broken Christian view. I thought I had a relationship with God, I thought I was a good person, I thought my occasional talks with God and weekly appearances to church made me a Christian.